I feel like the modern equivalent of Sleeping Beauty. Except replace a hundred years long slumber with a months long hiatus from the dating world. I have not had a date since the beginning of …
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I feel like the modern equivalent of Sleeping Beauty. Except replace a hundred years long slumber with a months long hiatus from the dating world. I have not had a date since the beginning of …
Read the full story »
I feel like the modern equivalent of Sleeping Beauty. Except replace a hundred years long slumber with a months long hiatus from the dating world. I have not had a date since the beginning of July.
Although I have had sex a couple times with random men who I do not care for in an attempt to feel “normal.”After all, there’s so much pressure in our society to couple off and so, if you happen to be single, for whatever reason, there’s this expectation that you will spend your free time focused on finding a relationship; you know, dating. And so I had casual sex to be a part of a couple, if only for a night. But as you can imagine, such random acts of meaningless sex left me feeling more alone than I feel just on my own in the morning which, in all honesty, has been just fine.
I have experienced a lot of change over the past year: the end of a significant relationship, moving across the country, entering grad school and starting a new job. I’m just getting used to those changes. Besides, I think pursuing my Masters and working full time has left me with little time to even entertain thoughts of a romance let alone pursue one. Someone recently told me that I could have the time to date but, really,why would I want to? While I miss consistent (and good) sex and intimacy at times, I am starting to experience my single status as liberation.
I am free to only consider my needs and wants and that brings me amazing peace especially after my last relationship which despite its moments of beauty was very hard and taxing. At the end of it, I felt drained. Honestly, as spread thin as I am currently, I feel infinitely more in control and calm than I ever felt while riding the relationship roller coaster with CCBB.
It is true that the idea of dating again and risking heartache another time is terrifying to me yet I do not believe my lack of interest in dating is simply due to my fear of intimacy. But I honestly don’t feel that I am not dating simply to avoid intimacy although I admit it’s almost impossible to objectively analyze our intentions in the moment. Which reminds me, I don’t care to analyze another person’s intentions right now either (which has been my experience of dating). This is another way in which I feel liberated currently. I am not concerned with how another person is perceiving me or how they feel about me. I am not worried right now if I’m good enough or attractive enough. As cheesy as it sounds, I finally feel free to be me: moody, goofy, semi-awkward, intense me.
So is it such a tragedy that I want to be on my own for now? I never could just accept my singlehood before because I was terrified that any break from dating would perhaps accidentally condemn me to being all alone for my whole life but I finally feel that not dating is my choice and I can resume to try my hand at love again later. My chances won’t vanish just because I’m taking a break. And, even though, earlier in this post I seemed be dissing the one night stand thing, they served their purpose and reminded me that not dating is my choice. I am a sexy, sassy and totally fuckable woman and some man is going to be lucky to lock me in but, right now, I learning how to really love just belonging to me.
Blog title credit: “Fuck and Run” by Liz Phair
Photo credit: “Sleeping Beauty” by BlueZircon
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