Pillow Talk with a Sassy Sexpert

Breaking up, Change, Dating, Headline, Heart break, Intimacy, Loss, Love, Marriage, Passion, Relationships, Relationshit, Soul Mate »

It has been two years (and a few weeks…) since I moved from the home I shared with my ex-fiance. And although I cannot believe it’s been this long, I’ve been blogging for a  year and a half of my journey since then. I’ve been moving forward and yet, I could not completely until I cleared the literal baggage I shared with him. When I moved out, I left many things behind in our basement. When he moved out he asked me what to do with them and I felt I couldn’t be bothered with these things so I told him to just put them in his storage unit and he did so for me. They have sat there ever since.

But recently, my ex-fiance and I went to the storage unit to clear it of my belongings in preparation for my move to Oregon later this summer. Many of the items that I had left behind I had presumed missing or lost but there they were including old photos of him and I and his love letters to me. It was quite awkward quickly sifting through them in front of him. I was embarrassed that I had so carelessly left behind these reminders of our relationship and that he could see it now. And perhaps, I worried, he felt I had been just as careless with his heart.

These photos and cards filled me with pangs of sadness from the memories of just how warm our home had felt and how loved he made me feel and regret for the way I could never have returned his feelings although he deserves someone to be madly in love with him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry but I held back. I thought any words I could offer would be more about my healing than his and just be painful for him to hear. So I swallowed the words. Until I couldn’t.

We were driving to my mother’s house to drop off my things when I heard him announce with a hearty laugh, “Well, there went the scrabble!” I turned around but it had already flown out of the back of his truck. I told him this wasn’t funny when he continued to laugh explaining that it’s just scrabble. But at this moment, I felt that my heart was scrabbling to maintain distance in this situation. Suddenly, I started sobbing, “It’s not just scrabble. I wanted it! I wanted it! I’m going to miss my mom! I cannot believe I’m moving 1,000 miles away from everything I know! I’m nervous!” and then, I told myself to control it but the words kept coming, “I’m sorry for what happened between us! I’m sorry I left! I’m sorry I wasn’t ready! You were amazing to me. I felt so loved! I’m sorry!” and then to my surprise he took ahold of my hand and cried as well. He told me that he knew it just wasn’t the right time.

I nodded my head even though it could have never been the right time with him. I feel it in my heart of hearts that he is not my destiny and that any point of my life, marrying him would be a mistake because I could not realize my dreams with someone who is not a part of my life plan.

And then I felt so much sadness for the last relationship I just ended - the one I shared with CCBB -because of just how passionate I have felt with him which always felt like an amazing gift. Every day, in the year and some months, we shared together I felt blessed to feel this way for another person and for these feelings to be (or seem to be) mutual. I felt the feelings that I knew deep in my heart I should feel for my lover that I did not feel for my ex-fiance; but I felt this feelings multiplied to depths of which I didn’t even know I was capable. The sense of loss makes me ache right now and I cannot even look at the photos we took in our time together because of the overwhelming sadness and regret they fill me with. I feel badly bruised from the ending of this relationship and sadly, sometimes I feel that I deserve the heartache CCBB’s inability to be available or ready for a relationship causes me because of the way I hurt my ex-fiance so badly in my leaving. Sometimes, I think my broken heart is my punishment for breaking my ex-fiance’s even though I did it as lovingly as I possibly could.

Anyway, a few days later, I was going through a box of photos when I stumbled upon pictures of my first love and I. We spent our late teenage years madly in love and I realized, that even though our breakup felt devastating, I’m so glad I spent that time with him. When he was my first love, I did not feel he was my “soul mate” but I also did not know how I could ever live without him. I felt hopelessly in love with him. And I know, as his first love, I have made a permanent impression on him as well.

I felt so moved by these photos and my gratitude for this time that I wrote to him a brief email. I explained that I had recently found pictures of us when we were together and I told him I will always have fond memories of him and the time we shared. Emotionally, I have moved on completely but I wish him the best, I truly do. I do not think you spend years of your life loving someone else and not carry some love in your heart for them for the rest of your days. He responded that he cherishes the time we shared together and how we made our time so fun.

It is so breathtaking how at different points of my life I believed that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with these two very different men and how I can be on the other side just grateful that we had our time and, simultaneously, glad it came to an end because it freed me for my present. And my future.

Photo credit: ”I let you go” by ~hikaridrops

Blog title credit: “Pictures of You” by The Cure